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Australia’s India diaries – one filled with travesty and not tenacity

Last updated on 23 Feb 2023 | 10:01 AM
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Australia’s India diaries – one filled with travesty and not tenacity

Ah Australia! What have you done to my hopes of a win? Or was it all just a dream?

You know what was the mistake? Not the flight, not the visa details, not the net-bowler, not even the plans, but the expectation. The expectation that a team that said what’s in playing tour games, a team that said hell to you India, we succeeded in Pakistan and Sri Lanka, a team that had batters who knew nothing but sweep would beat India in India.

That’s where it went crashing down. Australia are arrogant but so were you, a fool. Seriously, a team made of glass was going to destroy India, a side that afforded to bench Suryakumar Yadav? You thought that going into India without a practice match will really help you? Ashton Agar, the left-arm spinner, really now?

Talk about your pace attack again? Josh Hazlewood, the guy who literally has played just one Test in several months? Oh, that Starc guy, who averages close to 50, not with the bat but with the ball, will win you a match? Or that getting someone who can bowl like Ravichandran Ashwin will solve all your problems?

Oh, the irony. The dressing room atmosphere was buzzing, apparently? What was it buzzing of? Buzzing of expletives flying over oranges and yuzus? Wait, who is your coach? Andrew McDonald, the same guy who said practice matches are for jokers, not for the Australian team? Not in the exact manner but surely close enough to that.

Even Michael Clarke, a captain who was completely clueless in India knew a thing or two about preparing for Indian tours. Oh wait, there is something in common between you lads and him? Both are pretty clueless against Ravindra Jadeja.

Hang on? David Warner, Davey Davey? That Hum-Bull who tamed the Reverend? That guy who apparently was going to be the aggressive motor that Australia lacked in the sub-continent? Are we talking about the same guy, who has gone to sleep in Asian conditions more than he has woken up? The same guy who can look like a dead man walking against even Darren Stevens? Oh wait, Stevens is pretty good, hmm, even to Marnus bowling pace?

You picked him for the Tik-Tok and Instagram reels, didn’t you? I mean at this point, that’s how we are picking playing XIs? Just because you would get the crowd to do the ‘Jhukega nahi’? That one? That’s all that is left now for selection?

Oh, surely the same guy who gets out to anyone who can bowl with the new ball pretty early on in the innings? He’s partnered with whom, you said? Usman Khawaja, the opener who surely knows how to play spin. Hang on. He’s batted so much with Warner that you can see more of Warner in Khawaja than you can see Khawaja in Warner.

Then you went on to drop Travi-chandran Head? Literally the only guy who has the ‘dolls’ to toy the Indian bowling unit? All for who? Oh, I do remember, wait, what’s his name again? Hmmmm, some Shaw right, was it Prithvi? No, wrong territory.

Got it, Matthew Renshaw. Just because he’s a Matthew and a left-hander, you can’t compare him to Hayden, can you? That needs some guts, just as much to write this article. One knows how to walk down the track and the other only knows how to walk when he has to walk towards the dressing room.

Even Renshaw’s bathroom break was longer than all the three innings that he has played thus far on the tour, which says a lot, doesn’t it? Actually, it doesn't. Bathroom breaks are supposed to last longer than Australian batters against the Indian spinners. That’s how it ought to be.

You studied Axar Patel but assumed that Ashton Agar would emulate his idolo, Ravindra Jadeja? Try listening to that sentence once again. Slowly. Let the words reverberate. Slowly, no urgencies for us. Both the Tests are done and dusted in three days. We have enough time to chatter.

There’s Jadeja, Axar, Aditya Sarwate, plenty of Indian domestic spinners, Sunil Joshi, Murali Karthik, Pragyan Ojha, Ravi Shastri, even a limping Bishen Singh Bedi and then there is Agar. Were you confused about why Green was unfit? Pretty sure that it has got to do with him not doing his homework, and not injury.

Who could have injured him? Cummins? The bowler who strays more on the pads than he scores runs? An unfit Starc or Hazlewood? Oh wait, there’s Lance Morris. Hmmm, now it makes sense as to why he isn’t picked in the playing XI. Dirty guy, injuring Australia’s best sweeper before India swept the series.

It is only fitting that Australia had sweeping problems in Delhi, a union territory that has a broom ruling the roost. Rumors are that the Australian management approached the Mango Man for a session on how to sweep away stuff. But apparently, even the Mango Man didn’t have a clue on that. You seriously thought sweeping the ball on a surface that had no bounce was the answer? Makes sense why you are 0-2 at this point.

Some say that Australia’s flight from Sydney to Bangalore was longer than their batting across both the Tests, they were not wrong, are they?

*Consider all the above words as sarcasm, and maybe take it with an entire jar of salt? Otherwise, you’d end up as salty as me and these words that made your blood boil.

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