Follow UsIndia have a new head coach in town, and it is none other than GAUTAM GAMBHIR!
With a new head coach, there are always demands, some luxurious and some lunatic. Luckily for you guys, we have had a source quite close to the cricketing board - the BCCB (Board of Control for Cricket in Bharat).
Our undisclosed sources [trust me, bro] got access to a letter containing the details of all of Gambhir’s demands. So, without wasting too much time, here we go (mimicking Fabrizio Romano).
P.S. Please note this is a work of satire, and it 100% may contain names of people, places and organizations.
India’s jersey has to change to orange/purple
One of the biggest demands from India’s new head coach is that their jersey be changed. While the top brass denied his first choice of making the jersey purple, they were ready to cave into his second choice.
Guess what that second choice was?
Of course, to make the jersey orange. Given that India already have a saffron presence, making the entire jersey marmaladic won’t be a tough choice.
No. 7 jersey banned
Gambhir's second demand was quite unique: he wanted the management to ban the No.7 jersey. No one should wear that ‘doomed’ jersey, and if anyone even wants to wear it, they shouldn’t expect to play a single match.
You get it, right?
Finishing the match with a six is a droppable offence
Beware all you finishers, if you score a six to finish off the match, get ready to spend time on the bench. Gambhir isn’t a fan of people finishing a match with a six. Go all the way back to 2011, and you will understand why.
BCCI should delete MS Dhoni’s six from their archive
Picking up from where we left off, one of the demands that Gambhir has handed to the board is that they have to delete the ‘raw footage’ of MS Dhoni’s iconic six from the 2011 ODI World Cup win. He is even ready to boycott if they don’t do it as soon as possible.
No RCB player (including you know who) should be picked in squad
It goes without saying Gambhir’s friendship with Royal Challengers Bengaluru (RCB) goes a long way. It all started off when he confronted this dude; what’s his name? Viral Coolie? Hence, the selectors have been given a stern warning not to pick a single player from that red-faced franchise.
Marcus Rashford 4K highlights in pre-match meetings
Gambhir mai hoon, Marc-us idhar hai (I’m Gambhir and Mark is here). How does the Indian team get pumped up before any fixture? Simple, Gambhir will play the 8:08 minutes of pure bliss (Marcus Rashford Top 40 Disrespectful Skill Moves), and that too in 4K.
Venky Mysore should be named India’s Director of Cricket
Remember when Ravi Shastri was India’s Director of Cricket, now move on from that old dude. Gambhir wants KKR’s Director of Cricket Venky Mysore to be at the helm of all cricketing things at the Indian team.
Godi ka parivaar on X bios
Talk about rules. Gambhir’s entourage has also made it clear to the BCCB that all the players should follow a social media protocol.
No points for guessing. Gambhir wants all the Indian players to compulsorily put ‘godi ka parivaar' on their X bio, otherwise they wouldn’t be eligible for a national selection.
Sunil Narine to be handed Indian citizenship?
Where there is Gambhir, there is Sunil Narine. After a failed attempt to lure Narine to Lucknow in his first stint, Gambhir wants to ensure that such a mistake never happens again. Hence, he has already had talks with the top brass at the BCCB to give Narine Indian citizenship. Sunil Parameshwaran Narayanan.
Fine of INR 1 lakh if you smile
You thought the list was done? Eh! Gambhir’s new proposed policy would shock you.
If you smile, even if there’s a tiny curve on your face, that is enough to get yourself a fine of INR 1 lakh. Just don’t smile. Follow Gambhir’s policy.
No breaks, you have to play all three formats
"I'm a very strong believer in one thing, that if you're good, you should be playing all the three formats..”
Enough said. Anyone who doesn’t play all three formats would be dropped, including Kohli.
Shreyas Iyer to be named India’s new T20I skipper
Hardik Pandya, who? He might have been the flavour of the season back in 2022, but it is 2024, and this season is all Shreyas Iyer’s. After all, who has helped his side win an IPL? You're right bruv. India are all set to name Iyer as the new skipper because Ami India, Notun rules (We are India, new rules).
No brooms should be used to clean the pitch
Gambhir hates brooms. So, if anyone (double dare) uses a broom (it is already banned in NCR) in front of him, he will ban them and remove them from their jobs.
This means no more sweep shots (well, not like Indian batters know how to sweep anyway).
Boycott Pakistan
Another thing that Gambhir hates is playing Pakistan. Be it his fight against Shahid Afridi or his constant tussles with Pakistani players, Gambhir really hates a thing or two about Pakistan.
So even if the International Cricket Council (ICC) wants India to tussle Pakistan, they won’t and they will boycott the clash. Yes, they will forfeit two points. After all, patriotism > points, no?
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