I was crying for a long time, decided to quit cricket: R Ashwin

India’s ace offspinner R Ashwin has revealed that he thought of quitting cricket and moving to some other field after he was dropped from the Indian white-ball side in 2017. Ashwin felt he was putting his young family through a lot and was even planning to do an MBA in marketing.

Talking about how it affected his mental health, Ashwin told the Indian Express: “There are layers of mental health. Some people can succumb to pressure. Some are on the road all the time and can get jaded. Sometimes you are in a very dark place in your life that you want to talk to someone, and I think more often than not, people find themselves in the situation of a victim. Which is a very dangerous situation in my book.

“Even though I have my family rooting for me and I can come back to my family, I cannot say a lot of things. I would say cricket, in many ways, is a corporate affair with a little bit of governmental organisational activities and attributes. 

“Though If I come and talk with my dad about corporate stuff, he has only one line to say: It’s all politics. And that’s a very large line. And even fans end up doing the same thing. Occasionally, when I find myself in a dark spot, I have also done that a little. But it’s a very wrong thing to do because you feel somebody’s success is coming very easily. It’s not.

“My wife is a wonderful listener, but she had a very young family and I was not giving her enough time. One fine day, we were having a conversation. My dad said something. And some internal affair of the house had broken down. And I said something to my dad. My dad and I fight a lot. And he eventually threw a statement ‘You know what? You are too upright and honest. That’s why you are getting screwed.’ 

“He made that statement and left. I am not someone who is emotive. I would like to think I am pretty strong but I just locked myself away. And then I started weeping. I was crying for a long time. I didn’t expect my dad to say that. I don’t think he even realized what he did. I thought I am putting people in my house through a lot. I used to lock myself in the room. I never watched cricket. My room used to be dark all the time.

“I decided to quit cricket. I was asking myself what would I do? And I said whatever I do in life, I would try to achieve excellence and be as good as I can be in that profession. I would probably try to do an MBA and probably be in marketing. I gave myself so many options and then thought before I make any decision, I must get crystal-clear clarity. Probably get an outsider’s view into my life. And see who I am, where I am. That’s when I sought some external help and it changed my life for the better.”

Ashwin, who recently crossed the 100th Test mark and also took his 500th Test wicket during the home series against England, also spoke about how the ‘overthinker’ label has worked against him, especially when it comes to captaincy.

“Everybody has unique methods. A method that’s worked for me, will not work for (Ravindra) Jadeja. The cricket community likes to keep it really simple. Unless it’s completely broken, they wouldn’t try to mend it.

“But I come from a school where even before it’s broken, I want to make sure I stitch it up and don’t get to a point where it’s broken. Why is it happening? That’s the question that people fail to recognise. I am addressing something before they believe I should address it. Because their journey is different and mine is different. They might get five opportunities but I will get only two. And I made peace with the fact that I will only get two.

“It’s not like I change my action and tomorrow if I am leading a side, I would go to Jadeja and tell him that he should change his action. I’m not that dumb. In a way, people just assumed that that’s how it could be. They just thought he would not fit the bill as a leader and that’s quite an unfair assessment.”

Ashwin also said the bowlers in India aren’t celebrated as much as the batters. “I don’t say anything just because I’m emotional. If I had a son or have daughters now who want to play cricket, I’d still make them bat, there’s no two ways about it. I’ll ask them to bowl so that they understand what a bowler thinks. 

“Australia is the most successful cricketing country in the world. They’ve got some great batters. But consistently, they have been built by superstar bowlers for decades. They look after them. Pat Cummins was 19 or 20 when he had a stress fracture. He was looked after, was put in cotton wool, and paid his match fee for every single match he missed during that stint. He was treated like somebody who was extremely special, and Cummins has delivered results as a captain and player over the last three years. 

“They know bowlers can win you championships. India is far from it. We do talk a lot about pitches. But batsmen have a lot more good days in India than bowlers do and even when they do have good days, they are not celebrated to the point where you inspire a youngster to say, ‘I want to bowl. I want to pick up a new ball and go’.”