SATIRE!!!
Follow UsWe are in Mumbai, just weeks before the selection meeting for the upcoming T20 World Cup event in the Caribbean and the United States of America.
You would assume that the topic of discussion would be much bigger things, like who would be India’s opener, how the middle order would shape up, or something of that kind.
“Grrrrr,” there’s a roaring sound. It seems like someone is digging the ground; it seems like a shiny new toy. Blue in colour. Oh, that’s an Urus, oh the sound. It must definitely be someone big.
India’s captain, Rohit Sharma, comes out of the car. His first expression was, “Arrey kya yaar, paparazzi log idhar bhi (Paparazzi is here too).”
But the words were, “Eyy bhai, Mumbai cha Raja hoon, koi airport mei ghoomega toh……. (I’m Mumbai’s king, if someone roams in the airport, then….)”
Rohit storms into a room. He’s waiting for the big man. Of course, with the intention of discussing India’s plans for the upcoming T20 World Cup. Wait a moment; another car has stormed in; it is driving crazy; it is a red Audi RS5.
A stylish man is coming out. But covering himself fully to the extent that all you can see is his tattoo. That’s enough clues for the paparazzi to shout, “Bhai log, udhar Kohli saab jaa rahe hain, aa jao (Brothers, there is Kohli).”
Who are two of India’s biggest names - RoKo - waiting for? Of course, the biggest man in the room, Jay Shah. While two of them might have come in the grandest cars, BCCI’s big man comes out of a helicopter.
He flies straight in for this meeting. There’s a pause before he heads into the room; he is preparing for the meeting. There’s this guy running around with the big man, with a piece of paper, explaining what to expect from the two big names in Indian cricket.
He is quite confident, and he gushes into the room.
“Kem cho bhai log, aava de (How are y’all, come on),” uttered Shah. But just as he was about to talk, he overheard the conversation between the two Indian legends.
Kohli: Arrey Rohit, Mahi bhai ko lao na! (Bring Mahi back)
Rohit: Plan toh wahi hai (That’s the plan).
Kohli: Haan bhai, agar Mahi bhai aayenge toh mei anchor-anchor khel sakta hain (I can only play anchor anchor if Mahi comes).
Rohit: Same yaar, agar Thala hoga toh captaincy ka bhi jugaad ho jayega and utna load bhi nahi lena padega (Same bro, if Thala is there, I don’t have to worry about captaincy and my batting).
Kohli: Bol do saare bhai logon ko, kuch karte hain, #BringbackMS trend karwate hain. (Tell everyone, let’s do something, let’s make it a trending topic on X).
Rohit: Pata hai, uss din mein toh usko bol raha tha.. (I know, I was telling that guy that day)
Kohli: Usko, kisko? (Who)
Rohit: Arrey cheeku, tum bhi. Tereko toh pata hai na, mein baat hi aise karta hoon. Hardik Pandya ko bata raha tha, woh bhai saab toh Thala se bahut close hain (You know me Cheeku, I was talking to Hardik about Dhoni that day).
Shah intervenes, “Theek hai na, abhi baat kiye ki nahi” (That’s okay, have you guys spoken to him or not).
Rohit and Kohli in unison: Nahi.
Confusion surrounds the room. Shah wasn’t having any of that.
Shah: Yeh Pandya kidhar hai? (Where is Pandya)
Rohit and Kohli: Woh abhi vacation mein hai, Bahamas gaya hain! (He’s on vacation, gone to Bahamas)
Shah: Kahan?
Rohit and Kohli: Ek Island hai Carribean mein, udhar gaya hai off-time mei (It is an island in the Caribbean, he’s gone there).
Shah: Suna ki Ambani log bahut paisa de rahe hain usko (Heard that Ambanis are paying him a lot). Chalo theek hai, aur kisko bola hai? (That’s fine, who else have you informed)
Rohit and Kohli: Hum toh woh Sanju ko bhi bola tha! (We told Sanju as well)
Shah: Uska kya hua (What happened)?
Then started a narration:
The story goes like this, the BCCI had only arranged the captain’s meet for all the Indian players to go and convince a 42-year-old Dhoni to reverse his retirement. It was the only goal of that meeting.
Every Indian player who has spoken to Dhoni since then has been trying to convince him to come out of retirement. Be it Pandya, Rahul, Rohit, or Kishan, all they were trying to do was convince.
That’s why, after every CSK clash, there are a bunch of players surrounding Dhoni in a bid to get him to return in Indian colours. But unfortunately, this year, RR haven’t played CSK yet in the tournament. Hence, moye moye for Samson.
Shah: Toh kiye ki nahi? (Did you do it)
Rohit and Kohli: Arrey Jay Bhai, Woh itna easy bhi nahi hai. Aapko pata hai na (It isn’t that easy, Jay Bhai).
Jay Shah goes into a flashback
28 May 2023, Ahmedabad, Gujarat Titans vs Chennai Super Kings
We are on the third day of the final between the two teams. Gujarat Titans are in a rather comfortable position. Jay Shah is so comfortable that he is seen vigorously moving his hands. While to the rest of the world, it might have come as a derogatory sign, all he was doing was signalling Hardik to shake things up.
Or, in simple words, hand the final to CSK. That’s what eventually happened. Ravindra Jadeja came out of the syllabus and smacked a six and a four in the last two balls to win the fifth title for CSK. You thought it was Thala’s Midas Touch?
It was Shah's touch, the ultimate Thala. In the aftermath of the clash, he was also seen having a long conversation with Dhoni. So, what were they talking about? Nothing. It was just Shah trying to convince Dhoni to come out of retirement. 
Return to the present.
Shah: Haan pata hai bhai log. Tabhi toh main Ambani se bhi baat kiya (I know, that’s why I even talked to Ambanis).
Rohit and Kohli: Toh toh baat pakki hai (Then it is done).
Shah: Tabhi toh Jio Store ke advertisement mei bhi Dhoni bhai aa rahe hain (That’s why Dhoni is appearing on Jio Store advertisements).
Rohit and Kohli: Tab bhi nahi maane Thala? (Then also he didn’t agree?)
Shah: Na, ab tak toh nahi maane (He hasn’t agreed yet). Sun lo, agar Mahi bhai nahi aaye, toh samaj lena kya hoga World Cup mein (Listen, if Dhoni doesn’t play in the World Cup, understand what will happen at the World Cup).
Rohit: Thala toh pakka ayenga, Woh bole ki golf khelne ke liye aayenge America (He will definitely come, he told me he would come to play Golf in America).
Shah: Toh bas abhi ICC ko batana hai ki Impact Player ka rule laaye (I will now have to inform ICC about the Impact Player rule).
Kohli: Mahi bhai aa rahe hain toh pakka jeet jayenge trophy iss bar. Lamba chakka bhi maar rahe hain iss bar (If Dhoni comes, we will definitely win the trophy, he’s hitting it well).
Rohit: Haan pucho hum log se, kya dhoya hai humko Cheeku uss din. (Ask us, he smacked us that day).
Meanwhile, in a completely different Strawberry universe:
Thala Dhoni (vibing): Bole Jo Koyal Baago Mein, Haye Boley Jo Koyal Baagon Mein
P.S. Anything and everything in this article is satire. It is as true as Royal Challengers Bengaluru winning an IPL trophy. Bole jo koyal baago mein?
