Satire | IPL 2026’s Craziest Trades Revealed: Biryani Bribes, Only Kannada Policy & Lara Legacy

We have had some outrageous trade talks over the last few weeks, but rest assured, none of it will top the following trade deals, which are going to break the internet. So, without wasting any time, here we go (in Fabrizio Romano’s style).

CSK don’t want to trade Venkatesh Iyer…...

Because he knows Tamil, has a house in Chennai, watches Vijay’s movies, and apparently even hums to Anirudh Ravichander’s latest songs. 

CSK’s strict anti-Tamil policy, which they have maintained for quite some time (with Ashwin & Vijay Shankar being the only exceptions in recent years), has certainly cost Venkatesh Iyer a trade deal. But the worst thing about the trade deal is that CSK have asked Gujarat Tamizhans to push for Iyer.

A left-hander, a spin hitter and an able top-order batter, come on, Gujarat. 

RCB have opened spectacular trade talks with Prasidh Krishna

Oh yes, but where does Prasidh Krishna feature in the playing 11? 

Well, RCB have to make a way because the Karnataka government has been quite proactive in the ‘Only Kannada policy’, which is doing the rounds in Bengaluru. 

How did the trade talks happen? Simple, in Kannada. Yen maga, barthira? Ashte. Why the new policy? A sudden, profound realisation has hit them several months after RCB miraculously won the IPL. 

During a routine court session, it was discovered there were, gasp, "too many North Indians in the playing 11!"

GT push for an out-of-nowhere Ishan Kishan trade deal

Gujarat Tamizhans are changing their ways. 

Out of nowhere, they want to sign a Jharkhand cricketer? Are they out of their minds? Close sources to the camp revealed that GT are trying hard to sign Ishan Kishan. The driving force behind it? Social media, I mean Ishan Kishan’s social media presence with skipper Shubman Gill. 

MI outright refuse and reject Yashasvi Jaiswal

You remember when Jaiswal wanted to move out of Mumbai? 

Around the same time, MI were involved in trade talks with the left-handed opener. But once they learnt about his stance on the city, they outrightly refused to be involved in further talks with him. 

No wonder, Jaiswal went on to make a u-turn. But the damage, sadly, has already been done. 

LSG make ‘Biryani-sized pitch’ for Shami

We all know Mohammed Shami’s weakness: a tasty bucket of biryani.

Guess who made the best use of that? Lucknow Super Giants, of course! Lucknow, the city of Nawabs, is quite literally where biryani is the delicacy, not to mention its juicy Galouti Kebabs.

Why am I bringing all this up? Because this is exactly the pitch LSG have made for trading Shami: lakhs of biryani and crores in salary. A dream match indeed!

SRH go hard for Shivam Dube, to maintain their ‘left-field vision’

One glance at Sunrisers Hyderabad's batting unit, and a pattern emerges very quickly. 

Yup, a parade of left-handers. And who's the mastermind behind this southpaw-heavy strategy? None other than the legendary Brian Charles Lara (their former coach), whose influence, it seems, extends beyond the coaching manual right into the very DNA of the SRH lineup (and not just Wiaan Mulder).

"Brian Lara is a legend," SRH’s spokesperson declared, adjusting an imaginary halo. "For someone of that stature to keep his legacy going... it's deserved! If we get the chance to do it again, we'd do it the same glorious, left-handed way!"

Hence, they are going too hard for Shivam Dube to replace Kishan, who might be on his way out. 

RR make trade enquiry for CSK’s Ayush Mhatre

Seriously, you thought that RR were trading their skipper, Sanju Samson, for Ravichandran Ashwin? Joke's on you. They were never in it for Ashwin; it was a well-thought-out prank. 

The real trade behind the doors was that RR wanted Ayush Mhatre, who recently turned 18. They want him to play at No.3, as they don’t have enough players below 22, after Riyan Parag turned 23. 

Hence, they want Mhatre, Suryavanshi and Lhuan-dre Pretorius to become the new faces of the franchise for a looooooooong time. 

KKR in the lookout for West Indian finisher Shimron Hetmyer

How many West Indians are too many West Indians? 

After signing Rovman Powell last year, KKR have confirmed to close Cricket.com sources that they are in talks with RR over Shimron Hetmyer. Reason? He’s a West Indian, and their mentor, Dwayne Bravo, wants them to sign him even if it means they have to pay his high salary.

The sources also added that the three West Indian players weren’t too happy last year because KKR had promised them that there would be at least five West Indians in the team. If you have a West Indian cricketer (you, GT), be careful, KKR are coming for them. 

Virat Kohli in talks with PBKS over….

RCB fans, don’t get shocked. Virat Kohli is not going anywhere, but he’s getting rid of someone who has stuck to him like a parasite. No prizes for guessing (drum rolls), Swastik Chikara. Despite RCB’s futile attempt at fooling the government that Chikara (Chikanna) was a local, Kohli himself is ready to orchestrate the entire trade.

The franchise that wants Chikara? Punjab Kings, purely because they want to know the ins and outs of Kohli so that next time he doesn’t come to haunt them with the bat. 

‘Chikara, I choose you, ’ says Iyer.