safari staff
30 Dec 2022 | 05:52 AM

CDC Awards: A satirical segment that world cricket isn’t ready for

Please note this is a work of satire and it 100% will contain names of people, places and organisations, including your favourites

We are once again back at it, the CDC Awards, this time in a category that world cricket isn’t ready for. While all of these awards are purely a work of fiction, you will definitely see a lot of familiar names, some even play for the national teams. If it contains your favourite team or player, don’t worry, feel blessed.

Refresh your memories, we are about to go on a ride, one that will trigger the memory side of your brain. In case you don’t figure it out, it only screams SATIRE. So, you can all calm down.

Hometrack Bully

Winner: Pakistan

Six Tests, four losses and two draws, Pakistan have truly arrived at the world stage at home in the longest format. There’s none better than Pakistan at the moment. Maybe, Bangladesh but they have played only half the games as Pakistan have this year. Australia and England – who have had their fair share of struggle against spin – arrived and not just nicked away a win but dominated them.

So, for all those reasons, Pakistan, the Hometrack Bully award goes to you.

Nail-biting innings of the year

Winner: Thunder’s 15 all-out

Never in our lifetime did we all expect a professional team, at the highest level to be bowled out for just 15. Never. But 2022 showed that there is always room for a first, and the Thunder’s fascinating innings showed that it is now more than a dream. It was a nail-biting innings, so much so that the legends say that the Thunder’s batters are still biting em. So, let’s get them to collect this award!!

Sledge of the year

Winner: KL Rahul

Very rare, perhaps this is KL Rahul’s biggest achievement in the Indian colours. He hasn’t won any orange cap, and neither has he won any titles. But this sledge, earlier this year against South Africa, where he uttered the most famous keyword of the year “Whole country against eleven guys,” will always go down in history. Not just because it was iconic but because it was rare. As rare as some people would love their steak

Living Internet Explorer Award

Winner: Sohail Tanveer

This is a very rare segment but trust me, it is perhaps one that you wouldn’t have expected to see. We all know about how fast Internet Explorer is. So fast that people have finally figured out that the West Indies have won the inaugural edition of the Cricket World Cup. Pretty fast. Now finally, we have found the human version, or rather the live version because IE is dead!!@@!#?

Tanveer commented on a 2018 post from Younis Khan, congratulating him for the birth of his second son. Four full years later. Who said Internet Explorer is dead? Tanveer will now collect this award in 2026, so we will wait till then. 

The Baz-ball cricketer of the year

Winner: Rishabh Pant

It is not satirical but a homage. To the founder of the Baz-ball era even before Baz or ball in England cricket existed, Rishabh Pant. Whenever Pant walks out to bat in the longest format, you almost sense like it is either day four or five of a Test, and he is playing for the result. That's really how he bats, and it is shocking how Indian cricket has not yet till date adopted the Pant-ball tag? 

BCCI, do it, do it just before the Border-Gavaskar Trophy, let's get all the charts out - Pant-ball - the way to go. 

Harvey Specter Award

Winner: India

“Best closer” in the city? Harvey Specter. Best closer in world cricket? India. Not once, not twice, not even three times, India’s struggle in the third and fourth innings with the ball has been well-documented. So much so, that South Africa bulldozed their way past the Men in Blue at home 2-1. Yup, the same South Africa, who have failed to post a 200 total in the last few sequences of Test matches.

For that, the Harvey Specter award goes to India. Can they close this out, at least? 

Road of the Year

Winner: Rawalpindi

This award is presented by all the Bengalureans, in unison to the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB). Pakistan this series have produced some great tracks for the top-brass of Formula 1 to consider – where the pitch has done nothing – whatsoever. There were some top candidates, but nothing beats Rawalpindi, where everything has been flat. If you had a cricketing career there, it would too be flat.

Jhalak Dikhhla Jaa

Winner: Shreyas Iyer

We love you Riyan Parag but we did consider you for this award. Perhaps, one of the best dancers in the country. But jokes aside, or rather coming to the joke, Shreyas Iyer is more than worthy of winning the Jhalak Dikhhla Jaa award, for his pyrotechnics against the short-ball. He doesn’t sway away from them but rather finds a way to make a connection and get out. In fact, some even say that he has shown more footwork trying to avoid the short deliveries than Virender Sehwag has ever tried to hit.

Golden Elbow award

Winner: Kane Williamson

We thought a lot. A lot. Not really, it was fairly evident. Who has the dodgiest elbow in world cricket? Kane Williamson! Whose elbow has had most teams worrying? Williamson. Whose performance has been impacted by a terrible elbow? Williamson. We call the Kiwi skipper, oh sorry former Test skipper to come on stage. Be careful there Kane, hold it with both hands, otherwise the elbow might take a blow.

Et tu, Brute?

Winner: Roelof van der Merwe

You too, Brutus? South Africans were uttering that in unison when the 37-year-old ran the hard yards back to pluck the ball in thin air. What had he done? Roelof van der Merwe knocked his home country, South Africa, out of the tournament. It was like an RKO, out of no-freakin-where. Van der Merwe would say: And that’s how kids, I knocked out South Africa out of the 2022 T20 World Cup.

What are you lookin' at WWE? Hire the freaking writer, at least make your shows more interesting, duh!

Overrated Cricketer of the year

Winner: Sanju Samson

Ask us why? Simple: If Sanju Samson can’t get a place in this Indian setup, then isn’t he the most overrated cricketer of the year. This is the same team which gave a T20I return to Umesh Yadav, the same team who believes that Kuldeep Yadav is the second-biggest spinner in the white-ball format. The same team which still has their faith in Shardul Thakur, after he has been shape-shifted to multiple franchises. This was the same team which even included Mohammed Shami in the playing XI for the T20 World Cup. So now tell me, isn’t Sanju overrated?

Flat wicket award

Winner: Gabba

You have seen a road this year, haven’t you? Oh wait, you might have seen multiple but have you ever seen a wicket flatter than the one dished out to South Africa during the first Test at Gabba? Nah, no freaking way. Just 34 wickets inside two days of cricketing action. What a flat wicket.

Do we have anyone from Cricket Australia (CA) to pick the award? Ah well, we will keep it in store for you guys. Ypu can collect it later, when all the drama surrounding captaincy is done and dusted.

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